


genophobia

by imalmosthere



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Drama, Love, M/M, Phobias, fear of sex, harry styles/louis tomlinson - Freeform, larry smut, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 04:21:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14347851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imalmosthere/pseuds/imalmosthere
Summary: we see it everywhere.it's glamorized in movies, tv shows, talked about in music, on the radio, in magazines, etc.who doesn't love sex, right?it's what every teenager is supposed to long for.it's what every happy couple is supposed to do.it's what every lonely person wants.but not Louis.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this story includes characters based off celebrities just for better visual representation, they are in no way related in any personal attributes and I obviously don't own anyone who is mentioned. 
> 
> this story is a work in progress, I hope you enjoy.

_Third Person POV:_

 

It was very quiet in the Stylinson flat.

They were laying on the couch, Harry spooning Louis from behind as they watched TV.

Louis was just relaxed, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the company of his boyfriend. Harry was softly rubbing circles on Louis' side where he knew it didn't tickle him.

Louis hummed softly and leaned back into him more. Harry kissed his neck twice, then his cheek, and pecked his lips.

Louis smiled lightly and leaned back in for a real kiss. It was soft and slow, and Louis loved it.

Harry always put so much affection in their kisses, making Louis' head spin and causing his heart to melt.

He loved his Harry so much.

Harry moved his lips a bit more against Louis', not showing or hinting what he was planning to do with Louis tonight, what he had been wanting to do for so long with the love of his life.

He placed his hands on Louis' hips to turn him around, both now chest to chest.

Louis placed his palms flat against Harrys chest, parting from Harrys lips momentarily to catch his breath that was coming out in soft puffs because of the long kiss.

Both of them looked in each other's eyes, a soft smile painting Louis' face. "I love you, Curly." Louis said softly with a chuckle at the end, curling one of Harry's curls around his index finger. Harry smiled at the lovely sound. "I love you too baby." He brushed some of Louis' hair behind his ear. "My pretty boy." Harry mumbled as he glanced down, looking at Louis' lips, going in and capturing them in a passionate kiss.

Louis gasped very softly, not expecting the kiss or compliment, but immediately kissed back eagerly. Harry didn't even notice the sound it was so soft.

Louis could tell this kiss was different as Harrys hands moved to his hips, pulling Louis' lower half closer to Harrys, leaving no space between them.

Louis' body automatically tensed. His breath hitching in the back of his throat as Harry slowly started to grind against him and slip his tongue into Louis' mouth.

Harry was moving his hips so slow against Louis' that it was torturous to himself. Louis had grew a semi, despite the fact that he was trying to calm himself down from having a break down in front of his boyfriend. Of course Harry was hard, and he automatically assumed that Louis' semi meant that this was okay, that's normally how that works, right?

Louis didn't think so.

"H-haz." Louis said shakily and placed his hands on Harrys chest again, parting their bodies slightly as Harry withdrew from the kiss.  "Shh..." Harry said and placed his finger over Louis' lips. Louis just looked at him with wide eyes.

Harry didn't want anything to go wrong, he had wanted this for so long- he thought that Louis had wanted this for so long.

He stood up with Louis, grabbing his hand to guide him toward the bedroom. "C'mon.. bedroom." He said to Louis with a small smirk.

Fear coursed through Louis' veins, his legs felt like jello when he had stood up. His bottom lip trembled causing him to bite it as they made their way into their bedroom

Harry let go of Louis' hand, leaving him in the walkway of the room as Harry shut the door.

Louis wrapped his arms around himself, trying to regulate his now heavy breathing. He was about to make things even worse by having a panic attack if he didn't calm down.

Harry came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Louis's waist, resting them over Louis' own arms which were holding himself around his stomach.

Louis closed his eyes tightly, the first tear falling down as he felt Harry's bulge press against his back and his hot lips against his neck. Louis omitted a soft sob.

Harry pulled away immediately, turning Louis around to face him. His eyes widened when he saw Louis crying, lifting the boys chin up only to have Louis pull away from him.

"Baby, what's wrong? What happened?" Harry said, automatically scared he did something wrong, though he couldn't imagine what. He had barely done anything to do it wrong.

Louis covered his eyes with his hands, shaking his head before sitting on the edge of the bed.  He sniffled, trying to put his tears at bay, wiping the ones that already leaked out onto his cheek off on his shirt.

Harry approached him, bending down in front of him so they were slightly eye level. "Louis, what's going on?" Harry said gently, his brow creased in concern.

Louis took a deep, shaky breath, looking at Harry. "I didn't want to tell you." He said softly, his voice on the verge of cracking because of the tears he was still trying to hold back.

Louis hated crying in front of people. He didn't want to look like more of a bitch than he already was.

"Tell me what, Lou?" Harry looked at him confused, so many thoughts rushing through his head.

"I-I'm.. I'm scared." Louis said, looking Harry in the eyes. "Why're you scared?" Harry said.  
"There's nothing to be afraid of." He said with a soft smile, holding Louis' hands and rubbing his thumb over the knuckles.

Louis nodded, looking down. "I know... well I don't actually, but I just- I can't help it." Louis said, tears welling up in his eyes and Harry could tell that this was a different scared, this didn't seem like a first time jitters scared, so he just looked to Louis, waiting for him to explain more.

Which is exactly what Louis didn't want to do.

Louis never looked up again before he said it.

"I'm afraid of sex, Harry."

He barely said it above a whisper, ashamed of himself and his idiotic, stupid fear.

Harry paused. Their relationship was shed in such a new light now. He could remember all the times Louis shied away from Harry's mischievous hands, when they would make out and Louis would say he's tired or not in the mood before the moment became too heated, and Louis never wanting to party late at night at the club because he knew Harry was always horny when he would get drunk.

Everything made sense.

Harry was quiet as all of this rushed through his head, the silence only causing Louis' anxiety to grew.

"Please don't leave me." Louis choked out as he started to cry again, not being able to hold back all of the fear and anxiousness inside him. Harry was his whole life, everything that he ever wanted and he couldn't just watch him leave, he couldn't.

Harry shook his head, standing up to incase Louis in a hug. "No no no." He hushed, rubbing his back. "I'll never leave you, ever." He said softly, placing his chin on top of Louis' head as the boy cried softly for a few moments.

When Louis calmed down, Harry pulled away from hugging Louis and got onto the bed. He crawled on his knees up the bed before laying down on his back, patting his chest to urge Louis to come with him.

Louis complied, going over to him and laying on his chest. He buried his face in Harry's shirt, feeling so full of embarrassment and hatred towards himself, he didn't want Harry to look at him.

Harry just lightly rubbed his back, looking at the ceiling as he thought over everything.

Neither one of them knew what to do next, so they didn't say anything.

Louis just knew he had to fix this, for Harry.

 

_Louis' POV:_

 

I could tell Harry had fallen asleep by the way his breathing had slowed down. I glanced up at him and my suspicions had been confirmed.

I carefully crawled off of him, getting up on shaky legs and walked over to the bathroom, my head spinning. I looked in the mirror, my under eyes puffy, my hair matted down from laying on Harry. I was a mess.

What else is new though.

I sighed, sitting on the closed toilet lid as I ran my fingers through my hair, gripping the base and tugging lightly in frustration.

I'm the only 20 year old in the world who's deathly afraid of having sex, I thought to myself.

I sighed and got back up, turning on the water from the sink and splashing some on my face. I blindly reached for my face wash, cleaning my face lightly and then brushing my teeth.

I felt so numb, pretending like everything's okay. But it's not okay, it never has been.

It wasn't okay when I told my ex-boyfriend in high school after he tried to palm me one day at the movies, and it's not okay now.

He broke up with me on the spot and tortured me throughout the rest of my high school years. I don't really blame him though.

Shoving me in lockers, ganging up on me whenever I was alone, getting the whole class to mess with me when the teacher wouldn't be in the room.

I hadn't even notice I was crying until my vision focused on myself in the mirror.

My life has been hell because I'm afraid.

I fell to the ground, sobbing into my hand so I wouldn't wake Harry. I felt so weak. I couldn't do anything, I wouldn't do anything. It's all my fault. All of the fear, anxiety I get when it comes to this, who else's fault could it be but mine?

I can't even trust myself fully to the person I love the most. I want to so badly, but I can feel my stomach trembling from even thinking about it. Harry's going to leave me. I know it.

Who wants someone that can't have sex without having a mental breakdown?

I couldn't control it anymore, I was a mess, sobbing and gripping my hair frantically. I couldn't even feel the pain from pulling it. I tried to scream, but my throat was so dry it just came out as a whimper.

I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my head in them, rocking myself as I thought about being all alone again.

I jumped and gasped as I felt arms wrap around me from behind, making me sob harder. Harry. I couldn't be what he wanted. I couldn't give him what he wanted. I was useless.

I could faintly hear Harry reassuring me, but I couldn't take the words to heart. I knew he was lying, to me and himself.

I started to become so angry with myself, as I do most times when I think about this. And I just blurted it out.

"Use me." My voice sounded awful and weak, I whimpered at how broken and pathetic it was, how I was.

"What do you mean, Princess?" His voice was completely engulfed in concern and confusion and it made my heart break.

"Use me, Harry... Please, I-I can't take it anymore. I can't give it to you so just use me!" My voice grew louder and I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and yell and punch, but I felt as if I was paralyzed.

I just wanted it to be over. Maybe if he would, I wouldn't care anymore. Maybe I needed to be scared once just enough that it would cure me.

What felt like forever, but was only a minute, passed and he didn't say anything. When I felt him moving me, I thought he was fixing to take me to the bedroom. But he didn't.

I was pulled into his lap and wrapped in his arms. He tilted my chin up to look in his eyes.

He was crying. I made him cry.

"Don't you ever do that again... Never tell me or anyone to use you like that." He sounded so broken, so stern in what he was saying but so broken by the thought of what I had said. He didn't even know why I was breaking down like this, he probably thought it was his fault.

I shook my head and another sob racked through my body, hitting me like a ton of bricks. "But I-I can't-" I couldn't finish talking. I was so dizzy, so tired. I slumped against Harry and sobbed dryly, I had no more tears to cry. Harry lightly shushed me, soothing me. We stayed like that for a while, until I felt sleep engulfing me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i may be uploading every two weeks after this, we’ll see
> 
> enjoy ♡

_ Harrys POV: _

 

I turned in my sleep, something waking me up as I leaned up, groaning as I came out of unconsciousness.

A thud.

I looked over realizing Louis wasn't in bed anymore, I threw the cover off of me, standing up quickly. I walked towards the bathroom, the source of the thud I had heard.

There he was.

Louis was on the floor, back to the entrance with his body curled into him, in a little ball on the floor. My heart ached at the sound of him crying. I slowly walked forward, wrapping my body around him, almost sitting with him in the middle of my legs.

I don't know what to do.

Louis just sobbed, each hiccup in his breath shattering my heart. I felt him go still for a moment as I could see his head lift up, he sniffled a bit as I heard him speak.

"Use me."

I paused not knowing what to say, and hoping to not know what he meant. "Use me, Harry... Please, I-I can't take it anymore. I can't give it to you so just use me!" Louis said again, his voice trying to raise but it cracked before it could.

My eyes were already welled up with tears, the atmosphere so heavy around us. I couldn't help but let them fall. I got up, moving Louis so he was sitting in my lap now, face to face.

"Don't you ever do that again... Never tell me or anyone to use you like that." I said, holding his chin as he looked at me. He didn't even looked relieved by what I said, he just shook his head, starting to cry again. "But I-I can't.." was the last thing he uttered before he leaned against me, letting out his last sounds of sadness before falling asleep in my arms on the bathroom floor.

Once Louis had passed out, I carried him into the bedroom, laying him down where he slept peacefully the whole night.

I didn't have that luxury.

So many thoughts were running through my head. Louis had never told me anything that would led me to understand why he's so afraid.

Has he been raped before?

Louis had told me he was a virgin, so I didn't think that would be the case.

Besides, he would've told me that. Well, he hasn't told me about this until now, so maybe not. And he offered himself away to me. I can't even bare to think about that.

I can't stand seeing him like this.

I knew I wasn't getting any answers tonight, so I decided to try and go to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I saw Lou in front of me, already awake, seemingly tracing my tattoos on my arms. He did that pretty often, but I never minded. It was soothing to me.

"I'm sorry." Louis whispered after a while of me just looking at him, his eyes never moving from following his fingertips. I sighed softly and frowned. He didn't have anything to be remotely sorry for.

"Stop." I said abruptly. He looked at me and frowned. I'm sure half of him just wanted me to say it was okay and brush it off.

"Nothing is wrong, and you have nothing to be sorry for." I said softly and cupped his cheek. He was so warm from being cuddled under the blankets and sleeping in his sweater.

He nodded and leaned his head into the touch. I leaned in, sprinkling kisses all along his cheeks and forehead. "Love you so much." I mumbled against his skin. "I love you too." He whispered and looked in my eyes. I've never felt the need to care for someone more than I do right now.

"How about breakfast?" He nodded, taking the covers off of himself and getting up, me doing the same.

He looked so drained.

But still so perfect.

He walked straight to the living room and sat down on the love seat as I made my way into the kitchen. I grabbed him a water bottle out of the fridge and made him some oatmeal in the microwave.  He smiled lightly and took it, immediately drinking the water.

I may not be a chef but I know what he likes.

"Thirsty?" I chuckled and sat beside him. He nodded frantically and chuckled a bit, wiping off his mouth after some dribbled onto his chin.

I love his laugh.

We sat in silence as he finished off the bottle of water and gave up on the oatmeal he had barely made a dent in.

"Thanks, H." He said as I came back into the living room from putting his bowl in the sink. "You're welcome." I replied. He got up off the love seat, motioning me over. I came and sat down and he just sat on my lap, curling up and holding onto me.

I always loved when he was clingy. It's not like it never happened, it just never got old.

After a minute, I heard him sigh almost, then he leaned up, facing me on my lap. "I need to tell you something." He said looking in my eyes.

I grabbed both of his hands and pecked his lips, trying to provide comfort if needed, even though I knew that he wasn't going to be comfortable. Not fully. "Anything." I answered.

One day he'll be completely comfortable, I vow it.

He nodded and glanced down at his lap, our intertwined hands resting there. "There was a boy. I was in 10th grade and he was my first boyfriend. We weren't very serious, but I guess he thought we were..." He said softly.

He closed his eyes, looking pained by even mentioning this boy. I rubbed my thumb in circles on his hand and he just looked to the side at nothing as he started talking again.

"We were on a date, at the movies- and he just put his hand on my.. I-I had a completely melt down." He shook his head, biting his lower lip.  
"He broke up with me the next day at school." He said and a single tear fell. "I'm not like him." I interjected, gripping his hands tighter.

I'm not, I'm not like anyone else, he'll see.

He looked at me again. "I know. I never said you were." He said nicely. I nodded, glad that he didn't think that.

He sniffed, trying to make the tears stop and gripped my hands back with the same strength that I had done to him. I guess it helped us to think we were getting our points across.

"He started doing things to me." He shuddered, tears falling now without hesitation. "He would pin me to the lockers in the halls and all the kids would watch, because I would cry and yell because I-I couldn't take it." He wiped his eyes, breaking our hold on each other. "And every class he was in with me, him and his friends would hold me down in my desk when the teacher wasn't there."  He was shaking now.

I started to cry. I was furious. This idiot was the reason why Louis was afraid.

I pulled him into my chest and he clutched my shirt so tight, his nails dully scratching my chest. "I was a laughing stock and people did whatever they could to get a reaction out of me." He whimpered, hiccuping on his sobs.

I shook my head and immediately tried to calm him down. "Shh baby, please calm down. Deep breaths, alright? In an out..." I started breathing with him and he caught on, his tears finally seizing as he leaned away from me, wiping under his nose and eyes with his sweater. Louis had asthma, and the last thing we needed right now was him having an attack.

"I'm so sorry baby. You don't deserve any of that. I would never do that to you. He's a prick for making you like this." I said. Louis looked at me, creasing his brow and shaking his head. "He didn't make me like this... I think I've just always been like this." Louis said.

My brows pulled together. I didn't understand. Sure, I'm not the kind to get scared, so I can't understand his fear exactly. But being born with a fear? I didn't know how to answer that. So I just didn't.

"But you know that I wouldn't ever do that to you." I said, stating it but also leaving it open as a question as I held Louis hands again.

And something in Louis ticked.

"How do I know?" He said. I could tell he looked like he regretted what he said right after he said it. And he went to say something else but I shook my head. I wasn't mad. I understood.

"I love you, and I know you don't know what to expect with me because we've never done anything like that before, but I would never, ever hurt you." I said.

"Okay." He said softly, biting his lip as he looked at me.

I hoped that he believed me.

I cupped the side of his face, nudging lightly against his cheek with my nose to see if this was okay. He leaned in, kissing me back softly.

This kiss was gentle, and loving. It didn't last long and once I pulled away I said immediately. "I love you, everything about you." I leaned my forehead against his and looked in his eyes.

"Can you help me?" He whispered, his eyes pleadingly. I glanced at our laps, biting my lip.

Truth is, I don't know if I can help him or not, but I'll sure as hell try.

"If that's what you want, I'll be here for you, whatever you need." I said. He nodded and took a sharp breath.

"I want you to help me."


	3. Chapter 3

_Harrys POV:_

 

"I want you to help me."

I took a long breath and let it back out, nodding at him. "I-I will."

I was hesitant towards this. I didn't want to be the cause of his discomfort, I didn't want to make him scared, hear him whimper (not in a good way.) I felt like I was forcing something on him. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to do this, because I didn't know how.

I guess I was silent for a bit, because Louis placed his hand on my cheek, lightly cupping my face. "Thank you." He smiled so genuine, but small. He looked so fragile and tiny, it was endearing.

But I know he was scared to try too.

"Don't thank me." I shook my head lightly, chuckling softly. He wrapped his arms around me and I returned the gesture. "I love you so much." I could feel him grin against me. "I love you too."

 

_Third Person POV:_

 

It had been weeks since Louis' confession.

Life carried on as it always had. Harry tried not to think about it too much, otherwise he would look at Louis as a fragile piece of glass that he couldn't look at without asking permission first. And if they had been fine for so long, then they'd be fine now.

And they were, there was just something else now. Something between them that they knew was there and lingering, they were just ignoring it.

Louis wanted to try and fix himself, to fix his problem. Harry didn't think that was a good idea, but he wouldn't voice it. Of course he wants to be intimate with his boyfriend, but he doesn't want to have to put Louis through his fear to get him out of it.

Louis' mind had been racing these past few weeks. He wished he could just go on vacation for a day and leave his body barren, so his fear wouldn't be part of him for a night. For Harry.

He knew that wasn't normal, but neither was being afraid of sex.

But despite all of this, they carried on.

Louis and Harry were out together, ice skating actually. Harry loved it but Louis was struggling. Just a little.

Louis whined as he clutched onto the side railing and pulled himself along, trying to keep up with Harry. Harry chuckled, trying to coax him away from it for a good ten minutes.

"Louis please, just hold my hand. I won't let you fall." Harry said amused as he watched Louis struggle. Louis sighed, standing with his legs slightly spread apart to keep his balance as he held his hands out. "If I fall, you fall, then you're gonna squish me and I'll die." Louis stated cockily. Harry laughed and shook his head. He took both of Louis' hands and pulled him away from the side. "I'll keep that in mind." Harry said, starting to pull Louis. Louis gasped as they started moving, turned his feet more inward then they had been, Harry skating backwards so he could still hold onto both of Louis' hands.

"See, you're fine." Harry said. "Well I never said I wasn't." Louis said whilst sticking his tongue out in concentration, watching his feet and the ice beneath him. Harry rolled his eyes, a smirk still present on his lips.

Harry loved his Louis so much.

Harry pulled Louis closer, wrapping his arms around him and slowly spinning in a circle. Louis squealed, holding onto Harry for dear life as his legs started to part slightly, in hopes to help keep his balance. "Harry!" Louis squealed and pulled away from him a bit, laughing. "You could've killed us, you show off." Louis said, smiling up at Harry. "What'd I do?" Harry chuckled. Louis rolled his eyes at him, Harry pulling him back as he kissed his cheek. "Hey, I'm sorry. You'll be okay." Harry said. "Yeah, yeah." Louis said.

He was so in love with this idiot.

Harry kissed him softly, holding Louis close to him. Louis pulled away, blushing as people skated around them. "C'mon, skate." Louis said and Harry started pulling them again.

Harry knew Louis wasn't embarrassed of PDA, or of people judging them, he was just always pretty reserved. Maybe now Harry understood why.

After not too much longer, Louis' ankles felt like they were bleeding, and he kept stating this to Harry, so they went to exit the ice skating rink.

Harry let Louis go first, holding onto him from behind so Louis wouldn't fall. The pads on the ground were soft as they exited, and Louis wasn't doing so hot on the ice skates.

Once Louis sat down on the bench, Harry bent down, starting to untie Louis' skates. Louis smiled sheepishly, fondly watching Harry. "Aren't you just the sweetest." Louis hummed, Harry looking at Louis as he winked, smiling as he finished the first skate, slipping it off Louis' foot. "I try." Harry said back.

"You're seriously the best at it. Why can't I be like you?" Louis said in all seriousness. Louis was the nicest guy you'd ever meet. Forgiving, super kind- just not good at the grand gestures or going the extra mile. But everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

"You're perfect babe." Harry said, slipping off Louis' other skate, standing up to sit on the bench beside Louis and take his own off. "But you always know how to just- I don't know. Get me flustered and shit." Louis said and shrugged, putting his skates beside him on the bench so he could take them back to the little rental hut.

"You do the same to me, Lou." Harry said, slipping his last skate off, starting to put his converse on. "You just might not know it." Harry smiled, glancing over at Louis who had already slipped on his Vans. Louis never untied his shoes, just wore them loose enough to slip them on and off.

Louis raised his brow, grabbing both of their skates as they walked towards the little hut. "Really? How?" Louis said, challenging Harry. He genuinely thought that he was gonna catch Harry off guard, making him not be able answer.

"Well.." Harry started as they walked back towards the car. "First off, you and your fucking skinny jeans are the worst." Louis laughed, lightly hitting Harry's arm. "I'm just saying." Harry laughed too, putting his hands up in surrender.

"And when you're just at home, laying on the couch, reading your book or watching tv- doesn't matter. That's just the best thing to see when I come home." Harry said and leaned his back against the car, crossing his arms.

"But those still aren't things that I go out of my way to do. I just do that anyways." Louis countered. Harry shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You said things that fluster you- those are things you do that do that to me." Harry said and gripped Louis hips, pulling him to him. "And not to mention, every time I can manage to take your breath away." Harry said softly, leaning in to whisper in Louis' ear. "Mine goes away too."

He kissed lightly below Louis' ear, making him shiver and causing goosebumps to appear on his skin. Harry pulled away, smiling at Louis as the boy blushed. "See? You did it again." Louis said and covered his face as he smiled, Harry laughing fondly as he pulled Louis into him. "I don't mind it, it's cute."

Louis hummed, just holding onto Harry for a moment as the cool wind blew against them. Louis bit his lip, his eyes open as he just stared to the side before pulling away from Harry's embrace. "I want to try something." Louis said, looking up at Harry.

Harry creased his brow, not understanding exactly what Louis meant. "Try what?" Harry said. Louis shrugged, rubbing his own upper arm lightly. "I-I don't know... just" he grabbed Harry's hands, raising his brows slightly. "Something." Louis said.

"Oh." Harry said, pulling his hands away from Louis' for a moment, scratching the top of his head as he thought for a moment.

'This is a bad idea' is mainly what he was thinking.

"Okay." Harry said, nodding and smiling  nervously. "Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry i know it’s short


	4. Chapter 4

_Third Person POV:_

 

The ride home was silent.

Harry held Louis' hand while the young boy looked like he was having an inner battle with himself in the passenger seat.

But neither said anything.

Once they arrived at the house, Harry got out and walked around to Louis' side, opening his door for him and stepping back to let Louis out before closing it back.

Before going inside, Harry grabbed Louis' hands, placing them on his shoulders as he rested his hands on Louis' hips lightly. "Please, don't be afraid." Harry said. Louis looked down, biting his bottom lip harshly without saying a word. "I swear it'll be okay." Harry whispered, Louis just nodding as a reply before looking up at Harry.

Harry lightly squeezed the boys hips before letting go and leading the way into the house. Neither of them turned on a light, both being so familiar with the place that all they needed was the moonlight casting shadows on the furniture.

Louis was so dazed as they weaved their way to the bedroom. He could faintly hear Harry shut the door, he also heard the clicking of the lamp on their bedside table being turned on, but he had so much more to be concerned with right now.

Harry grabbed Louis' hand, pulling him to stand by the bed as he got on it, kneeling and sitting with his feet under him, patting his lap. Louis got onto the bed, straddling Harry's lap and sitting.

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry, moving as close to him as possible as he closed his eyes, his heart feeling like it was about to beat out of his chest. Harry lightly placed his hands on Louis' hips, keeping him close. "I love you." Harry said quietly, kissing the side of Louis' head. "I know." Louis answered.

They were just like that for a while, until Harry brushed his thumbs under Louis' sweater, ghosting over the waist band of Louis' jeans where his hip bones were. Louis inhaled deeply, straightening his posture as he exhaled. "Ready?" Harry asked. He felt Louis nod against his neck before he pulled away, sitting up on Harry's lap, and Harry figured that was the green light.

Harry's thumbs lifted up Louis' shirt slowly, his eyes following his hands as he looked over Louis' lightly illuminated skin. He placed his palms flat on Louis' chest, Louis closing his eyes as it sounded like he held his breath, his lips slightly parted.

Harry could feel his heart beat.

He moved his hands up and down, moving so slowly and softly. "You're so perfect." Harry said, looking at Louis' face to see if he'd open his eyes, but he just turned his head, casting his gaze downward. Harry sighed at this, frowning as he moved his hands down to the hem of Louis' shirt.

"Arms up." Harry said, Louis nodding and lifting his arms as Harry lifted the sweater up and off of him. Louis shivered slightly, his nipples hardening from the exposure and goosebumps appearing on his skin. Harry admired Louis for a moment before pulling him back against him, ghosting his lips over Louis' neck before leaving soft, open kisses all along it.

Louis zoned out and listened to Harry's breathing. It was so soft and calm. He tried to focus on it and on how warm Harry's lips were, how tingly Louis felt when he would leave a burning kiss on his neck. He envied Harry's composure in the situation.

But nothing would distract Louis from the fear, from the constant fear in his stomach.

Louis started to feel bad, he knew that this should be a two way street, so he opened his eyes, looking down slightly as he started unbuttoning Harry's longsleeve. He started at the bottom, hearing Harry stifle a noise because he had brushed against his crotch.

Louis chose to ignore that right now.

After a few clumsy moments later, he unbuttoned the last button, slipping the shirt off of Harry's shoulders, causing Harry to pull away so he could discard the garment completely. Harry pushed it to the floor along with Louis' sweater, both of them now evenly bare.

Louis' eyes traveled over the semi-common territory. He had seen Harry shirtless many of times, just never in this type of setting. Never doing this.

Whatever this was.

His eyes finally met Harrys after what had felt like forever. Louis' eyes started to water, but he blinked it away quickly.

Not tonight, he thought. Not again.

Harry cupped Louis' cheek, leaning in and closing his eyes as he kissed Louis softly but passionately. Louis closed his eyes, eventually. He was trying so hard to relax that he almost felt like it was making him even more tense.

But he kissed back, melting into it. This he could do, he thought. Harry nudged his tongue into Louis' mouth, trying to deepen the kiss slowly as they poked their tongues back and forth into each other's mouths.

Louis could finally feel Harry's bulge underneath him, pressing against his ass, which only peaked his rising anxiety more.

This wasn't just a normal kiss, it reminded him.

His breathing became heavy in the kiss, but so did Harry's. Obviously, not for the same reasons. Harry pulled away, kissing down Louis' neck wetly and continuing to just travel down. Louis continued to breath heavy, it felt like he had ran a marathon without a single drop of water.

Louis leaned back some, still on Harry's lap but now resting back against his own hands on the bed. Harry kissed slowly down Louis' body until he had stopped right above Louis' pec. Louis sucked in a breath, his hands clenched in the sheets as Harry looked up at him through his lashes, his lips ghosting over Louis' nipples.

Louis whimpered as his nipples hardened again, his dick twitching in his jeans.

But this still didn't feel okay.

Louis never understood how he could be so afraid of something, so utterly terrified and yet still be turned on by it.

It was beyond him.

Louis squeezed his eyes closed, biting his lip to stop him from saying anything. Harry saw this, he knew that Louis was freaking out on the inside, but continued on anyways, hoping for things to subside.

So his lips incased Louis' nipple, just lightly sucking and swirling his tongue around it. Louis let out a soft noise of shock and pleasure. It spiked arousal through his body, but caused him to shake due to how sensitive everything felt to him. And not the good kind of sensitive.

His body felt like he was sitting on pins and needles.

Harry moved his hand to the other nipple, thumb ghosting over it back and forth and in circles. Louis let a tear fall, he knew it was bound to happen.

Man the fuck up, he kept thinking to himself.

Harry had closed his eyes, continuing to stimulate Louis' perky nipples, switching his mouth to the other after a moment. Harry was sporting a full hard on, a wet spot on his jeans no doubt from how long he had been that way. He had no idea that the sounds of pleasure Louis was emitting were mixed with more tears, and that his trembling was mainly from anxiety pumping through his veins. After the first audible sob, Harry stopped, pulling away and sitting up to look at Louis.

God, he was beautiful, Harry thought. Even with his tears.

Louis sniffed, wiping under his eyes with one of his hands as he kept his eyes casted down, not looking at Harry. "Did it hurt?" Harry asked quietly. Louis shook his head, because physically, it felt fine.

But yeah, he was hurting.

Harry nodded, sighing softly. He knew he still didn't quite understand all of this, but his number one priority right now was just making sure he wasn't hurting Louis.

Little did he know, Louis didn't think that the possibility of it hurting him was even half of the reason why he was so afraid.

Harry laid Louis down completely on his back, moving so he was hovering over him. He tilted Louis' head so that he was looking at him, leaned down and captured his lips. Louis kissed back, closing his eyes as another tear fell. Kissing did calm him down, it's not like that was something new to him, like everything else was.

Then Louis' breath hitched, almost so hard that he choked. Harry started to grind down against him, rubbing his hard on against Louis', and the boys heart rate started to peak again. "H-Haz." Louis choked out, looking above him at Harry. Harry moaned softly at the feeling of relief, making Louis' dick twitch at the sound.

Again, this was one of those moments where normally, this was a good thing, right?

Louis still didn't think so.

His breathing became erratic, he felt claustrophobic as Harry put his hands on Louis' hip, rolling his hips down slightly harder against Louis'. "I- 'arry I can't-" Louis said frantically, trying to catch his breath but he just couldn't.

He was hyperventilating, pressing his hands to Harry's chest as Harry finally realized what was happening. Harry cursed under his breath, eyes widening as he scrambled off the bed, looking around frantically for Louis' inhaler.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" Harry cursed, rummaging through the dresser drawers and night stand until he finally found it. He ran back to the bed, giving it to Louis, who was now sitting up. He grabbed it, putting it between his lips as he took a large inhale, holding it before raggedly exhaling slowly. Harry sighed, leaning against the side of the bed as he watched Louis do it once more before he tossed the inhaler to the side.

Louis' head was pounding, he could hear his heart beat in his ears and feel it in his temples. He covered his face with his hands, pulling his knees to his chest as he just sat there, quietly. He was trying so hard not to cry.

Harry got on the bed beside him, rubbing Louis' bare back. "Lou?" Harry said softly. "I'm okay." Louis whispered back, not moving or changing his posture. Harry exhaled, nodding softly.

It was quiet for a moment, before Harry spoke up. "Did I do something wrong?" He sounded genuinely concerned, creasing his brows as he looked to Louis. He didn't really know what he could've done wrong, since they barely did anything to do it wrong. Again.

Louis just shook his head, letting go of his legs and closing his eyes as his hands fell from his face. He took a deep breath and let it go before opening his eyes and turning to Harry. "I-it wasn't you." He shook his head. "I don't know, I thought I could do this." Louis said softly, shaking his head. "I'm such a bitch" He said and squeezed his eyes shut.

"I don't think it was that bad, babe" Harry said, shifting so he was sitting in front of Louis, looking at him now. "I wasn't expecting to jump into this and go all the way in one night anyways." Harry encouraged. "We're still in over half of our clothes and I just about had a fucking asthma attack." Louis rolled his eyes at himself and looked at Harry with a face that said 'Don't lie to me.'

"Then maybe next time I'll get you naked before you do." Harry said and smiled lightly, trying to lighten the mood. Louis chuckled softly, shaking his head and he looked down and twiddled with his fingers. "I don't know, H." Louis said softly.

"That's okay." Harry said and put his hand over Louis'. "We don't have to know right now, we don't have to do anything right now." He said as he looked into Louis' eyes the entire time. "We have forever."

Louis nodded, grinning a bit. "Thanks. For everything." He said quietly, kissing Harry's cheek. "Anything for you." Harry replied before getting off the bed.

"Wanna come shower with me?" Harry said and smirked at Louis, making Louis laugh and throw a pillow at him. "Shut up, wanker."

And Louis thought for once that maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.


	5. Chapter 5

_Louis' POV:_

 

All I could feel was his body against me. The weight, the heat, the coiling in my stomach- it was all too much.

It felt like I almost blacked out when I was trying to catch my breath. I knew it wasn't a long time, but it felt like an eternity even after I finally took the first breath of my inhaler. I didn't even think about my asthma, smart move on my end.

I could hear the water run from the shower as I just stayed where I was on the bed, my mind wandering to so many places but yet no where at all.

I felt like a disappointment.

I felt a lot of things.

But what I really felt was the first moan I heard coming from the bathroom, mixed in with the sounds of the rushing water.

It made me want to cry.

The thought of me not being able to man up enough to at least just help him out, to be able to help my boyfriend.

I was so worthless.

And my fucking dick was still hard. I wish I could just rip it off, then maybe I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore. That'd be the easy way out.

Yeah, ripping my dick off sounded much better than ever having to face my fears again.

I'll have to check into that.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the shower curtain being opened, the metal rings scraping against the metal rod. Harry emerged out of the bathroom not too long after, sporting only his pajama pants.

He shook his head, his curls throwing water droplets everywhere as he put his dirty clothes by the hamper. He walked over to the bed, laying down on his side, his back leaning against the head board. "I didn't use all the hot water." He hummed, grabbing his phone.

I wanted to shower, my boxers felt sticky from all the pre cum, I hated that feeling. I got up, grabbing my sweater, that I always slept in, off of a chair that was by our bathroom door before going in.

I suddenly felt that routine feeling again, of falling into everything being just "okay" when it wasn't. I wasn't okay. Being afraid of sex isn't okay.

And as much as I love to be in this routine, to pretend like everything was okay, it wasn't.

And I don't know if it ever will be.

 

_ Harry's POV: _

 

"You 'n Lou comin' to the party tonight then?" Zac said, my fellow colleague at work and a mutual friend of me and Lou's.

I was ready to go home today, after last night I barely got any sleep. I hadn't really gotten much at all since this all came up. I don't know what to do.

"Oi, you deaf?" Zac said again, snapping me out of my daze again, I don't even know how many times that's happened today. My mind completely gone from where my body is. "Um, yeah you know it. We wouldn't miss a night out." I said and smiled a bit. Nothing sounded better to me than getting out, Louis probably didn't always feel the same way though, but he'd get over it.

"When are you plannin' on tellin' me what's goin' on with you?" Zac said while he wiped off the front counter, looking at me for an actual answer. "Probably never." I chuckled, even though I really wanted to tell someone. I wanted someone to try and help me understand, to tell me that maybe this was normal- something. But I couldn't do that to Louis. I know he'd be so upset with me if he found out I told anyone about it.

"Damn H, that's cold man." Zac said, twirling up the rag before snapping it at me. "Try me, I'll end you." I joked, he walked off, shaking his head at me.

Maybe this'll be good for us.

 

_ Third Person POV: _

 

Louis, for once, didn't mind the idea of going out for the night when Harry had told him that he promised Zac that they'd both be attending a party at his house.

It wasn't a crazy party like you see in the movies- normally it's just a couple of different groups of friends that get together and have a good time and end up crashing at his place. That's partly why Louis didn't mind. They normally all knew each other, just a chill setting. Chilling out sounded perfect to him right now.

They both dressed nicely causal, just above sweat pants and a t shirt but not quite nice slacks and a button up. After all, they were just hanging out with friends.

They talked about random things on the way to the party, Harry telling Louis about his boring day at work and Louis telling Harry that he'd trade him if Harry would do his online classes.

All the causal talk ended when they arrived at Zacs house. They parked on the street close to his house. The drive way was short, there were cars all done the road to his house, in the yard, etc.

The night went by pleasantly. The couple had fun, leisurely talking to some friends that they see all the time and even seeing some old ones they hadn't seen since high school. But as time droned on, the party died down, now just the ones that normally ended up crashing at Zacs were left, mainly all his best friends and some of Harry's and Louis' as well.

They all sat in the living room, lively chatting amongst themselves while having a few beers. Louis was sitting in Harrys lap on a recliner, his body turned sideways while Harry sat like you normally would. They had both been drinking, but Louis had definitely reached his limit by now, which didn't take very long to get to. He was drowsy, drifting off while Harry continued to chat with the boys from his work including Zac.

"Looks like the princess is ready for bedtime." Zac chuckles, motioning to Louis with his beer occupied hand. Harry chuckled, looking at Louis fondly as he smoothed down his hair. "He's a lightweight, doesn't take much." He hummed. "Is he asleep?" Austin, one of Louis' and Harry's mutual friends, asked. Harry nodded, moving Louis a little bit on his lap so he was cradling him instead of letting his body hang off both sides of the chair.

"What's been going on with him?" Austin asked again, leaning up from slouching against the couch in his position on the floor. "Don't bother." Zac piped up, taking a sip of his beer. "I've asked him about a hundred times." Zac chuckled, downing what was left of the drink before setting the glass on the floor. Harry creased his brows, looking at nobody in particular. "What's been wrong with him?" Harry said concerned. He knew that this was bothering Louis, it'd been bothering him too, but he didn't think it'd be noticeable.

Then again, he didn't think the same for himself but everyone kept asking him what's wrong with him.

"Just seems in 'is head." Zac said, another friend, Danny, piping in. "You both do." Danny also worked with Harry. "We're fine- honestly." Harry said truthfully. He'd like to think that apart from this thing, they really were. It's almost like their lives were in two sections.

Everything else, then sex.

"Whatever you say mate." Austin said as he stood up, going to the kitchen to probably get another drink. A couple, Kyrstin and Scott, got up and retreated to one of Zacs guest rooms, starting other people to follow suit in finding places to sleep for the night. Harry talked with Zac a bit longer, being able to comfortably talk more than just casually with him out of all people. "Do y'all want to tent up outback? I don't think anyone's out there." Zac said after he had yawned for about the fifth time in less than ten minutes.

It may sound strange, but that just was something they had always done at parties. Not enough room inside to sleep, so you sleep outside. Plus, who doesn't like camping?

"That's fine, yeah." Harry said and very carefully got up, setting Louis down on the couch by Zac, not waking him up. "I'll help you set it up." Harry and Zac got up, embarking on finding the tent in the attic and grabbing some stray blankets and things along the way. Once they grabbed everything they needed, they went outback and started setting up the tent on the grass. "Thanks man, I'll see you in the morning." Harry said to Zac as they got back inside after finishing. "G'night." Zac said and went off to his room, Harry wouldn't be surprised if there was already somebody in there by now, but that wasn't his problem.

He went back to the couch, that Louis was still so peacefully knocked out on, and picked him up gently to take him outside.

Putting someone in a tent was a lot harder than he thought it would be. He tried to slowly squat down and place Louis in there, but he ended up falling back on his ass, jostling Louis to where the sleepy man groaned a bit, hesitantly opening one eye to look at Harry. "Mmm, what are you doing?" Louis mumbled, leaning up as he rubbed his eyes, taking in his surroundings. "I was trying to put you in the tent without waking you up." Harry said apologetically, smiling a bit. Louis turned towards the entrance to the tent and crawled in, Harry following suit.

Neither brought a change of clothes, they never did, always forgot. So they both just stripped down to their boxers and t shirts, Louis drowsily folding their pants and putting them in the corner. Harry laid on his back, Louis cuddled up to his side, one leg over Harry's lower half and one arm over his top half. Louis was out in no time.

Harry, not so much.

There was a little mesh part at the top of the tent that Harry left open, he could see the stars in the sky through it. Zac lived just enough away from the city that you could see them, not as much lights to blur them away.

Harry rubbed Louis' back lightly, just looking at the night sky for a while before he realized he wasn't falling asleep anytime soon. He reached to the corner of the tent behind him and grabbed his phone, just aimlessly looking through different social media apps. He knew that going on his phone meant admitting defeat and that he definitely wasn't going to sleep now, but he felt that was inevitable as is.

As the night drew on, Harry checked the top of his phone while on twitter and saw that it was 2:37am. He sighed and clicked the lock button on his phone, setting it down as he just closed his eyes, trying to get some sleep.

Harry felt Louis moving a bit in his sleep, but he didn't think anything of it, just staying still as the sleeping boy settled. But Louis didn't stay still, he stayed attached to Harry's side, just rustling about a couple of times. Harry didn't pay any attention, his eyes still closed as he thought he'd will himself to sleep.

Then Louis made a noise in the back of his throat.

Harrys eyes shot open, the sound scaring him slightly as he turned his head to look at Louis. Louis made the same sound again, only even softer this time, then Harry felt something poking against his side.

Harry was wide awake now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry i’ve been inactive :( i have chapter 6 already done though so it’ll be up soon :)


	6. Chapter 6

Harry's POV:

Fuck. 

That's all I could think when I felt Louis' hard on against the side of my hip. 

I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply then exhaling slowly, trying to just forget about what was happening, trying to calm down. 

It didn't work. 

And Louis just started to move again, shifting his body from the waist down, his body obviously trying to help itself. 

I wanted to help. 

But I couldn't, how fucking awful would it be if Louis woke up with my hand shoved down his pants? 

Really fucking awful. That's how. 

But now I was starting to grow in my boxers at the thought of me getting my hands on him, coaxing him to a climax, hearing those little sounds he's making now but magnified times a hundred. 

I groaned as I twitched in my boxers, cursing under my breath. Now, if Louis wakes up, he'll see me being creepy. Just watching him while he has a wet dream, while he grinds against me in his sleep, seeing how erect I am from it. 

At this point, it felt like either way it would be bad if Louis woke up, whether my hands were on him or not.

I licked my bottom lip, biting on it lightly as an attempt to make myself as quiet as possible. I turned my head to see Louis' resting on my shoulder, his eyes still shut but his lips slightly parted as he breathed softly, his little noises still slipping out every so often. 

I couldn't explain how they sounded, and not just because they were so quiet. It was almost like the ghost of a moan with the whine of a whimper in it, but it sounded like hearing pretty bird chirps when you wake up on a perfect morning to me. It was beautiful, and hot. 

Most people would find cockiness and an exuberance of showiness from their partner hot, and I'm sure I would too if Louis was that way, but he's not, and I don't mind at all. The way he's so reserved and soft and quiet made me fall in love with him, and that made me find all of that attractive in him. 

I thought about how all of those traits would come out if we were intimate while I scanned my eyes down Louis' body. He was still clothed in his shirt and boxers, even though I wished he weren't. I stopped when I got to his hips, seeing them pressed tightly against my hip. I released my lip, licking it again as I moved my hand to rest on his ass, gently of course. I was encouraging his sleeping body to move against me more, applying more pressure to his erection. This elicited another sound from him, my boy, making me hum in the back of my throat. 

I slowly tried to turn towards him so I could be facing him rather than laying on my back. After what felt like forever, I finally succeeded without waking him up. I could finally feel the full hardness of him against my own, I could feel his heartbeat against my hand as I placed it gently on his chest, and I could definitely feel the throbbing in my own cock. 

I placed one hand on his hip, pulling myself to press against him completely, letting out a soft breath as I did. 

He's gonna wake up.

My mind was racing as I rolled my hips against his, so gently that I didn't even know if it was classified as grinding, it just felt like I was pressing myself closer to him, applying pressure. 

You're gonna be single by sunrise.

I moved my hand from his waist to his ass again, softly kneading the plump cheeks in my hand, longing to be able to see them bare. 

I groaned just at the thought of such an image, a bit too loudly apparently because Louis started to groan, but not like he had been. 

He was waking up. 

My mind started to panic but my body stayed calm, just holding Louis close to me as the inevitable started to happen. As he woke up. 

As soon as his beautiful blue eyes opened they caught my eyes, widening slowly as he realized what was happening. He took a deep breath as he turned to look behind him, my hand slowly moving up from his ass to rest on his lower back, just keeping him against me. 

Maybe this would help, I told myself, maybe he really did just need someone to be in control so he could finally let go, for me to take control. 

Or maybe you're a fucking idiot. 

His brows furrowed as he put one hand against my chest, pushing me away slightly to look down between us. It's almost like he just had to see for himself what was happening, even though he could feel it, he had to of been able to feel it. I didn't want to say anything, I didn't even know what to say, I really didn't, but I had to. 

"Louis." I whispered, hearing his breath pick up as he looked at me with worry-filled eyes, his brows creasing adorably, lines forming on his forehead. He shook his head, keeping the pressure of his hand on my chest, but I wouldn't let him push me away. "Harry-" He almost squeaked out, his eyes starting to water causing me to act quickly to stop it. I leaned in, kissing him softly as I felt him go slightly more lax against me, only making me want to be closer to him. So I pulled him closer, his hand now trapped between our bodies as they became flush against each other. 

"It's okay." I mumbled against his lips, not disconnecting them or letting him say anything as I rolled my hips against his, properly this time. 

He let out a noise against my mouth, I couldn't identify the feeling behind it since it was so muffled in our mouths, and since my mind had started to become so clouded. 

I continued for a moment longer, kissing him deeper and keeping Louis pressed to me as I very, very slowly ground my hips against his. When I finally pulled away for air, I saw Louis' tear stained face before he looked down at the bottom of the tent, a sob escaping his mouth as he clenched his eyes shut. 

Maybe this will cure him. 

"It's okay, baby. It's okay, it's okay." I kept gushing to him, my hand that was on his lower back now coming up to cup his jaw, fingertips touching the boys soft hair. "It's not." He whispered back, sniffling through the tears that continued to fall. "Just- please." I said softly, needing this, telling myself that he needed this. 

He had to of. 

"Let me help you finish." I whispered softly, even giving him a few inches space between us so he could push me away if he wanted, but I knew he wouldn't. 

And maybe that was wrong of me to assume, but Louis was sweet and so so caring, I knew he'd see how I felt about this. 

And he didn't push me away, he just let his hand fall from my chest, not looking me in the eyes. Maybe he thought the same as I did, that maybe this could help, that maybe everything would be okay if we just did this- did something. 

"I love you." I said honestly to him before continuing. 

 

Third Person POV:

 

Louis' mind was so jumbled when he woke up. 

His body was tense, it felt like it had been that way for a while by the ache in his thighs and stomach. Everything felt like it was spinning after that, feeling Harry so close to him and both of them being so aroused- but Louis didn't care that he was aroused, he wanted it to stop. 

But it didn't. 

Louis didn't know how Harry kissed him that long without realizing that Louis wasn't kissing back. Sure, he moved his lips, but he wasn't showing any interest, wasn't showing the longing that Harry felt. Harry's mind was too clouded to notice though. 

"Just- please." Harry said to Louis, begging to just be able to touch Louis, to be with Louis. "Let me help you finish." Harry said again, even softer this time. Louis didn't want it, he didn't, but he wanted to for Harry. All this time, he's felt like shit because he couldn't do anything for his wonderful boyfriend, but if Harry wanted to get Louis off, maybe he'd just have to suck it up. 

What hurt even more was that Harry actually gave Louis some space, a few inches between them, as if Louis had a choice. Louis didn't feel like he did have a choice. 

Because that's just who Louis was, he put others feelings- their hearts in front of his own. Especially Harry's.

Louis felt another sob in his throat threatening to come out

So he didn't say anything, moving his hand from Harry's unclothed chest as if to say 'I won't fight.' And Harry knew he wouldn't, somehow he knew. 

"I love you." Harry said, his hand touching Louis' hip, some of his skin exposed from his shirt riding up in his sleep. 

Louis didn't say anything.

Harry was gentle, but not slow, not in Louis' mind at least. He felt that the night they had come home from skating that Harry was being painfully slow, and Louis didn't mind at all, even appreciated it. Now it just felt like Louis was just there, that he was just waiting for it to be over. 

Which he was. 

But Harry wasn't trying to rush Louis, he wasn't, he just felt so much pent up sexual frustration running through him and he forgot to remember that Louis didn't have that. 

His thumb slipped under Louis' underwear, pushing them down to where Louis' now semi-hard cock was pressing against the top of them before pulling them off, Louis' erection going against his chest as Harry left Louis' underwear around his thighs. Louis clenched his eyes closed, the tears left brimming in them falling down as his fingers clutched onto Harry's shirt and the other did the same to his pillow underneath his head. 

He didn't want this, not now. He didn't want the first time Harry saw him there to be in a tent in a mates backyard, and he definitely didn't want it to be because he was hard in his sleep. 

But he didn't say that. 

So Harry licked his own palm, eyes trained on Louis' length as he gripped it at the base, causing Louis to jerk violently as he cried out. His thighs were shaking and his toes were curled up, his whole body was tense and his cock even twitched in Harry's hand as he did the first stroke. 

"Shh, shh." Harry hushed, kissing the top of Louis' head as he gingerly stroked the boys hardening cock, Louis crying softly as he did so. He felt so betrayed by his body, his length screaming for release but his mind begging for everything to stop. He wished he would just not get turned on, then maybe this wouldn't be happening right now. 

But it was. 

Harry continued pumping his hand up and down Louis' length, picking up speed as Louis got harder. "So pretty." Harry hummed softly, licking his lips as his eyes stayed trained on Louis' cock. Louis didn't know exactly what he was talking about, but he had a feeling what it was directed towards. 

Louis felt so tense, so worn from the aching in his muscles and the lingering hangover, he didn't know if he even could come, but Harry seemed determined. 

He pushed Louis over onto his back, straddling his knees and Louis felt like it happened before he could even blink. His breath was heaving as he wiped his eyes and face, tears covering them as he looked up at Harry to see what would happen next. Harry just kept pumping Louis' cock as he looked Louis in the eyes, causing Louis' cheeks to turn red and making him feel uncomfortable, so he looked away, turning his head to the side. 

He pulled his legs together, thighs clenching as more tears fell as he remembered that Harry could see him. He felt so insecure and so out of place as Harry tried so hard to bring Louis to his climax. 

Harry was so out of his head, his mind so jumbled with just LouisLouisLouis. He wished so much to ravish him, to be able to pleasure them both, but even in his out-of-mind state he knew that it was a bad idea- a worse idea than this was. 

But Louis was just so pretty. His shirt was bunched up to where you could see his little belly button and the light outline of abs, but it was mainly just soft, smooth tan skin. His decently sized cock was being fondled by Harry, of course, but Harry still saw all of its features, still watched him as he got him off, or tried to. And his thighs, Harry could just picture himself leaving purple marks all along the top of them, fucking them senselessly and draping them in his cum. Marking him. 

Harry really wanted to just lean down and envelope Louis' length into his mouth as he continued to take in his entirety. He wanted so badly for Louis to let go, to just feel good. But he knew that, as bad of an idea as this was, that that was an even worse idea. 

"I-I can't." Louis choked out, not feeling like he had anything left in him anymore. He knew Harry wanted him to come, but Louis didn't want to, didn't even know if he could. But again, Harry was determined. 

He rubbed his thumb back and forth across Louis' tip- Louis' dark, swollen tip- causing Louis to arch his back and squirm, not a noise coming out of his mouth due to how hard he was biting his lip. Harry stopped his strokes, just focusing on the obviously sensitive tip for a moment, his palm covering it as he moved his hand around in circle-like motions over it before pumping his hand again, fast and all the way from his tip to his base. 

Louis let out a sob at the sensation, 'Here it goes.' He thought. 'My first orgasm with someone else and I'm in a tent, crying.'

Sure enough, Louis squeaked, trying not to yell, as he came on Harry's hand, his own lower abdomen and his shirt, still sobbing quietly as he threw his arm over his face. 

Harry felt so accomplished. He knew that Louis was going to cry, he felt like no matter what, until Louis was over this, that he would cry. So he had to tell himself to look past that. There was no asthma attack, no forcing, nothing bad. 

At least he thought so. 

Louis was beyond exhausted as he leaned up, his muscles finally contracting and relaxing when he pulled up his boxers up, not caring about his cum covered self at the moment. He breathed heavily, panting as he tried to catch his breath. He looked to Harry after he had gotten off of Louis' legs, and there was a smile on his face. "I'm so proud of you Lou." Harry said as he hugged Louis to his chest. Louis hugged back weakly, trying not to cry again because, no, he wasn't proud of himself. 

And this, in no way, helped him.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis' POV:

My eyes were wide open as Harry enveloped me in a hug, I could feel my pulse in my temples and I wasn't crying anymore, but my lashes and cheeks were still damp and red from doing so. 

I felt out of my head, my heart racing as I tried to catch my breath. 

I just had my first orgasm with my boyfriend.

What was I supposed to do now?

Harry laid down on his side, pulling me down slightly to do the same. I laid on my side, facing him as I met my gaze to his face. He was smiling at me, his eyes filled with something. 

Lust. 

Oh, yeah. He's still...

My stomach stung with a pain in my side, so overwhelmed and overworked at this point, but what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do?

"Harry." I managed to croak out, I realized now how much I hadn't said this whole time. I didn't know what to say. 

I looked down between us, feeling him against my thigh. It was hot, not the kind like you'd say about someone you find attractive. There was so much warmth coming from him, his body still reeling from what happened. 

Mine was too, just not in the same way. 

"Yes, baby?" Harry said to me, his hand depositing in my hair to push back my damp with sweat fringe. There was a lump in my throat, I felt like I was going to be sick, and I'm not sure if it was from what just happened or from the thought of what I'm going to do about Harry. 

"I-I... I don't know what to do." My voice was pathetic, but that's how I felt. My eyes weren't on Harry anymore, they were directed somewhere on our bodies, my brain was gone by now and my body was spent, but somehow I was still there enough to let his hard on have an effect on me. 

"What? Lou." Harry seemed confused, or he sounded that way, I still hadn't taken a moment to look at him, then it sounded like he caught it. "You don't have to do anything." Harry said, trying to bring me to look at him, his hand encouraging my face to turn. 

Eye contact was something weird to me, of course I loved looking in his beautiful eyes, I loved them, because I loved him, but in certain times it made me uncomfortable, like they're trying to look into my soul. 

But Harry wasn't, Harry was trying to be sweet to me, because he knew he fucked up. 

Right?

I went to open my mouth but I just closed it again, I didn't know how to answer that. I don't want to do anything- I never have before, and after that?

I'd be fine never having to take mine or anyone's clothes off ever again, I don't even know that I will to shower. 

Do it, it'll give him a fix, then maybe this won't happen again. 

I don't think I spoke for a while, too long maybe because Harry laid on his back, coaxing me towards him to lay down. 

How the fuck can he still be hard?

He looked up at the opening of the tent, rubbing my back as he rested his other hand in my hair. All I could do was stare blankly at his boxers, at the wet spot towards his head, at the obvious form around his cock. 

Holy shit I don't want to do this. 

I put my face down against his clothed chest, closing my eyes and breathing in his scent, Harryharryharry. 

That smell gives me comfort, but not enough right now to silence my racing heart. Not enough to make me feel comfortable in this moment, not while lying next to the love of my life while he's sporting a hard on and just finished jerking off his bitch of a boyfriend. 

I laid my hand on his chest, I could feel my fingers twitching and fidgeting, but I didn't care enough to try and steady myself. Not that I could if I wanted to. 

I just wanted tonight over with. 

My hand ghosted down to lay over Harry's bulge, gripping the outline as I felt the heat and the pulse of his dick course through my arm. Harry let out a breath, and I didn't dare to look up and see his face. 

Please don't make me, please. 

But nobody was making me, I was making me. 

I wanted him to understand, I wanted him to crawl in my brain and see what's inside and then come out and tell me what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to stop me. 

Spoiler; he didn't. 

"Lou." He breathed out, his arms tightening their hold on me where they already laid. I felt like I was suffocating, not from him, but from the atmosphere. 

I suddenly could feel how disgusting my boxers and shirt felt sticking to me from...

I pushed everything to the back of my mind as I fondled him over his boxers a couple of times, but I wasn't in this for a long time, I wanted to do this to help him, but I didn't want to do it at all. 

My hand soon found its way into his boxers, the waist band pressing down on my wrist as I wrapped my hand around him. He was moaning, his beautiful deep voice finding sounds from deep within to try and let me know he felt good, that it felt good. 

I was relieved to be doing something right, but probably only because I wanted to make him reach his climax and go to sleep so I didn't have to talk tonight. 

I stroked slowly at first, the amount of precum made it easy to move at whatever pace I wanted, but soon it became faster. 

"Shit." Harry muttered, I could feel his body tense, his hips lifting up off of the ground and into my hand. I wasn't watching, just feeling, my face still buried in his chest. I winced softly as his nails dug into my lower back, lightly scraping across it until he got to my hip, holding it firmly while I continued to stroke him. 

I knew I should be doing more, I should probably be pleasuring him with my mouth, maybe kissing him while I sit on his chest- something more. 

But just the thought of what was going to happen right after I was done with this made me want to throat up, much less what I was doing right now. 

His breath started to quicken, rising and falling along with my head that was still resting on his chest. I finally leaned up for a moment, his hands falling from me as I got a breath of crisp air, but it was soon gone once I saw him. Sweat beading on his forehead, his boxers showing my hand on him and the head of his cock poking out, him staring at me through hooded eyes. 

I might faint. 

"I'm gonna- fuck baby." Harry moaned, closing his eyes tight as his hands clenched in the blanket beside him and he lurched his hips up again, cum shooting out over my hand and his shirt. 

My mouth fell open as I shakily pulled my hand out of his boxers, my eyes trained on nothing in particular. Even with the cool air outside our tent, my entire body felt hot and my head hurt from the several overwhelming events that have occurred over the past however long it's been. 

It's felt like an eternity. 

Harry leaned up and gripped behind my neck, pulling me down and closing his eyes as he kissed me. My eyes hesitated to close as I tried to kiss him back, but my only desire was to lay down and fall asleep so I didn't have to think anymore. 

"I love you so much." Harry said as he pulled away from me, his hand releasing the back of my head as he looked at me tiredly, spent I'm sure. "I love you too." I whispered back, watching him lay down on his back again. I laid down too, knowing he was waiting for me to lay against him. 

I couldn't. 

I knew what I just did was going to imply that what he did was okay, but he can't think that, and I can't tell him that right now. 

So, I covered us with the blanket and rolled over onto my side, my back to Harry. I could feel him shuffle, moving to try and spoon me and be close to me, but the thought of feeling that warmth again made me shiver. "Harry, please." I begged softly. I don't know what I was begging for, and I knew he wouldn't know either, but I was hoping that maybe somehow he'd know to give me some space. 

He didn't at first, his arm wrapped around my waist and he kissed my neck lightly, I felt a sting in my heart when I moved away from him, leaving room for the cool air to come between our bodies in the blanket. 

He must've understood then, because I didn't feel the warmth of him again the rest of the night.


End file.
